Time For Another Change

Though I have not been managing this particular blog for very long, I have decided to move to another site for maintaining my blog and thus in the very near future as I get the other one up and running, I will be utilizing this one less and less. If you are interested in staying connected to me and reading the new blog, feel free to contact me for the new blog address.

Oh Good Grief!

Has it really been almost a week since my last post? Is my life really that exciting that I can't possibly find time to get on the computer to write a little something about my comings and goings? Well, clearly the answer is yes! So what have I been doing for the past week???

On Friday of last week I left work and drove to Chicago to see my favorite partner in crime, Alica. that night was laid low and stayed indoors. We ordered in pizza and breadsticks (you know, cause it is important to make sure we get enough carbs) and we watched the movie Food, Inc. It was a good documentary on the food industry in the US, but boy does it make you not want to eat anything ever again. Thankfully I got over that pretty quickly :)

On Saturday we did some shopping in the afternoon, I made us a yummy and very healthy dinner and then we got ready for what was to be the highlight of the weekend. We had tickets to see Kid Sister perform with a meet-and-greet afterward. (To find out more about her click here.) She was slated to take the stage at midnight and around 12:30am she finally came out to entertain. But then, after 1.5 songs the show was over. Apparently it wasn't a full concert, but rather more of an "appearance by" sort of thing. We did still meet her and have our picture taken with her, which at some point when I get a new computer I will be able to put pictures back on this blog. And though we were disappointed, we didn't let it stop us from enjoying the nightlife Chicago has to offer. We enjoyed it so much that we didn't get home and go to bed until after 5am!!!

On Sunday we hung out at Alica's condo, watching TV and listening to music before I hit the road to drive back up to Wisconsin. All-in-all it was a very, very fun weekend!

Monday was a productive day at work. I was in my groove and got a lot accomplished. After work I cleaned my room at Chris' place and packed up some of my belongings. Since I will be leaving in both Baraboo and Madison for the time being I wanted to have things in both locations so I don't have to pack so much and live out of suitcases all the time. So, Monday night I took care of all that and am feeling more settled in Madison. However, I did not realize how sad I would be to not be with Chris. I try to be so planful and yet somehow something still slips through my thinking cap :)

As for yesterday, a super fantastic day at work. I was in Madison all day for various meetings and really felt on top of my game. In addition, I have always felt so at home in Madison (likely due to the 9 years of living there) and really enjoyed being back in my element, so to speak.

As always, thanks for reading and I promise to try and get better with keeping up with this. hey, maybe after the Olympics are over I won't be up so late trying to see who won what medal and I can actually get more things done!!

More Good News

As I wrote a couple weeks ago, I went and had an HIV test done. Again, I did not do this out of any real concern, but just to ensure I am safe and to do the responsible thing. Well, today I got my results back and as expected I am HIV-. Even knowing I had done nothing to put myself at risk, sitting in the waiting room, just waiting to be called back to get my results, stirred up anxieties and thoughts that were really unnecessary, but there none the less.

If you would like to learn more about HIV/AIDS and to stay abreast of the issues concerning this pandemic, click here.

Good News

This morning I found out that Jason's tumor came back clean, the wounds are healing nicely and it is only a 10% chance that the growth will return. A nice big sigh of relief :)

Being there for someone when they have health concerns has proven to be a really interesting experience for me. I think for the most part by nature I am a care-giver. I want to help and make other people's lives a better existence. I guess that is why I am in the field I am in!! However, what I find most intriguing is that I have been really fortunate in my life that I have remained relatively healthy (at least physically...wink, wink) and I wonder if a time comes that my physical health deteriorates or I become ill for a long period of time who will play the role that I so often take on. The other piece of this that needs to be looked at is my ability to ask for help. I can admit that sometimes I can be just a wee bit stubborn. I know, I know...hard to believe but it does happen from time to time. My hope is that if it would come to needing to ask for help that I would release myself from my pride and just ask. Now, I need to make sure this post doesn't come back to bite me in the butt!!!

Happy Birthday Grandma

Today my grandma turns a young 81. My gift to her was to treat her to dinner at Arthur's Steakhouse in Spring Green, WI. We had talked about going there before I left for Germany and then it never happened. So, upon my return I wanted to make sure I followed through with this. Apparently, this is a restaurant that she had frequented with my grandfather and she has positive memories of the place, so it felt like it was time she returned there. It was a great time!! She talked and laughed like I haven't heard her do for some time now. She was giddy and playful and even welcomed some pictures to be taken. Once I have my new computer, I will post the pictures (and some other new ones) to share on here.

The dinner was quite tasty, though I must admit I think I ate a bit too much food. Grandma had a salad, jumbo shrimp, a baked potato and a piece of chocolate turtle cake for dessert. I had coconut shrimp, garlic mashed potatoes, a salad and a berry lemon cake. I figured through some fruit it in there and it makes the calorie count less :)

It was so much fun I am already looking forward to next year and what she and I might be able to do to celebrate!!

Catching Up

A funny thing; when I wasn't working and my life was pretty empty, I had much more time to devote to writing a blog. But now that things have picked up a bit, I notice I struggle with finding the time to write something every day. Anyway, I do the best I can and so maybe I need to accept writing something every couple of days, when I can't do something every day :)

So, here is a review of my last few days. Friday was an interesting day. Jason had surgery in the morning to have a tumor removed from his neck/throat. That meant waking up at 4am and getting to the hospital at 6am. Now, anyone who knows me is aware that I am not what you would call a morning person and yet the stamp on the parking garage at the hospital reads 6:04am. I just want to say, "You go boy!" Also on Friday I had a great meeting in Madison for work that may lead to some interesting changes in the future, specifically with regard to employment opportunities.

I would love to say that Saturday was a low-key day of relaxing and lounging, but that would not be true. Instead it was filled with obligations left and right. To begin with I needed to remove the bandage from Jason's throat. Easy enough until it started bleeding and I thought I would lose whatever might be in my stomach at that moment. Once it was done making a mess I went to take my vehicle to Chris so he could perform the first oil change on Lulu...oh he does take care of me so well that brother of mine :) He dropped me off at my first meeting, which was the second meeting of the LGBTA group in Baraboo. After the meeting, which lasted nearly 2 hours, I was picked up and then was able to go to my next meeting which was the planning committee meeting for my high school reunion, which is happening this summer. That meeting was roughly 3 hours long!!! I then went home, gathered laundry together, organized my belongings (I think I may be returning some of my items, since I won't be moving into an apartment any time soon!) and then invited my mom over to hang out with me for a bit. And then it was off to an Irish Dinner party, which was truly spectacular. The food, the company, everything was absolutely wonderful. I am so happy I was invited and able to take part in such a special night of friends, good food and even better Whiskey!!!

Sunday was Valentine's Day. Or as Alison calls it Hallmark Day. Either way, it was a great day. I slept in a bit, made a yummy (though not very healthy) breakfast and then cleaned up a bit. I went with Jason to see one of his friends and then after taking Jason home I went to the grocery store. $18 in cheese alone...I love cheese; reeeeaaaally I do!! The rest of Sunday was Olympic-mania. The best part of the day though was getting some gifts, which I truly was not expecting. I love them all and can't wait to use every single item!! I got some cute underwear, some sexy underwear, candy, candy and more candy and a new digital camera. Clearly I was spoiled :)

5 Months

It was five months ago today that I arrived back in the US from living abroad in Germany. When I first arrived back in Wisconsin, I had hopes of being able to return to Germany, to pick-up my life, my relationship and my goals for the future. As the days, weeks and eventually months passed it became ever more clear that the path I had created for myself, the direction I wanted my life to go in (or thought I wanted my life to go in), was not the one I was to take.

Five months ago I was at the lowest point of my life. I had no ambition, no desire and no zest for life. My self-esteem was shot, I didn't care about my health, my appearance and on most days I barely got out of bed. My life was no longer important; it had no meaning and I spent my days drifting aimlessly wanting it all to just end. But, as time passed, I began to heal. If it was not for the support of my family and friends, I don't believe I would even be here today. I feel very blessed for the people I have in my life and though I can't name everyone here; I would like to do a little shout-out to some of the people who have helped me rebuild my life over the past five months:

Laura - What can I say? You were there for me in a way and at a time that others were not able to be. If you had not come through with helping me leave Germany, I fear what would have happened. I love you very much and I look forward to seeing you again soon so I can wrap my arms around you and let you know face-to-face how much you impacted my life.
Chris - Thank you once again for being the most amazing brother anyone could ask for. Your generosity and love is what kept me going so much of the time. I feel honored to call you my brother and my best friend. Everyone needs someone like you in their life!!!
Mom & Aunt Sugar - You are two of the most interesting women. You each compliment my life in different ways and because of that I am forced to look at things from an alternate perspective. Thanks for pushing me out of my comfort zone :)
Kris - Even when I wanted to be alone and sit in my stink and misery you wouldn't let me. Thank you for listening, for the laughs and all the good food you have prepared for me over the past five months.
Grandma - I love you!! Being there for you when you had to go to the hospital is one of the greatest gifts I have received. I felt lucky to have the time to be there next to you, to bond and connect with you in an even deeper way than we already do.
Carsten - I am sure it looks weird seeing Carsten's name here under my thank you's, since he had a large role in the unhappiness I felt; and caused me to rebuild my life from scraps of nothing. However, I am truly thankful for what we had together and if I had not gone through what I did because of him, I would not be in the place I am at now; which is loving my life and ready for whatever adventures might be in store for me. Now ship my stuff :)
Alica - A gay boy could not ask for a better friend!!! If I were straight I would want you as my partner in life; put I guess I will settle for best friend. We have been together since the mid 90's I believe. You make me think about things in a manner different than I might otherwise think. You only offer your opinion when asked for and you take me dancing to shake my money-maker when you know I need some cheering up. You are forever my girl!
Dad - I don't know if we have ever really seen eye-to-eye, but no matter what you are my dad and I will always love you. In the past year you have shown more feelings and emotions toward me than I think you have for all the other years of my life added together. You are still growing; we are still growing together.
Jason - Our paths crossed by chance; or was it fate? We may not ever know, but what I do know is that I feel very fortunate to have been allowed into your life. We were both struggling with loss at the time our paths crossed and though the losses were different, we were able to support and encourage one another on a deeper more intimate level than we may have allowed others to do. At least I know that is true for me. Much love to you!

So, to these people and the countless others who have been in my life, I thank you for making me realize how much life I still had within me to share. I may not have all the answers, but I have at least one and that is that my life, no matter what, is worth fighting for.

Where Has My Week Gone

It has been about one full week since I have done an official entry on my blog and that seems a bit weird even to me. It is not like I haven't been doing anything or had stuff come up that I didn't want to share; but I guess life got in the way of me coming on the computer and writing about life in the Boo. Anyway, let's recap the last week shall we???

Last week Thursday I decided to have an HIV test done. I know that based on my own behaviors and choices I have no worries with this; however, I don't have that same certainty when it comes to someone else's choices so to keep myself safe, and anyone I might chose to be with in that special way, I decided to have the test done. I spent five years doing HIV/AIDS Awareness in Chicago and conducting programs on Safer Sex Awareness and so clearly what I did last Thursday was just the responsible thing to do.

Last week Friday I looked at renting a cottage here in Baraboo. It is part of the Ringling Brothers Manor, which for those who don't know was a very wealthy family with a long-standing history here in Baraboo. The cottage is cute, but I just couldn't see myself living there; at least not at this time in my life. Assuming I get my belongings from Germany, I would clearly not have enough closet space for all my clothes. Though the cottage is a three bedroom which could have meant one room to sleep in, one for all my CDs and another for books :)

The highlight of my week was by far last week Saturday where I went to Eagle, WI (don't worry I never heard of it before either) and spent the day with Jason and four of his sisters. It was another day of grazing, playing games, and laughing. Maybe it's the psychologist in me, but I love looking at how families interact, the way they talk with one another, communicate non-verbally and just the way they engage with each other. Well, Jason's family is so loving, warm and welcoming. They clearly have a lot of respect and love for one another and it shows!! This is something not often seen with some families. I never once felt out of place and was immediately welcomed into the fold.

I had high hopes for my Sunday; though I must admit this was the lowest point of my last week. I watched some TV; I am becoming a bit addicted to the TV show Hoarders, and basically sat in the Lay-Z-Boy all day making sure it didn't move. I woke up feeling great, energized and full of life, but then I received a voice-mail that felt like a kick in the stomach. I know I shouldn't let things get to me the way they do sometimes, but every once in a while when a person is caught off guard it is hard not to feel the wind taken out of you; even in a metaphorical way. The rest of Sunday became an emotional day, with a lot of tears and questions. This mood stuck with me for the next couple of days, but never reached the low point of Sunday. Thankfully I have amazing people in my life who listen to me, respect me and help guide me when I feel lost.

The beginning part of this week was more low-key. I hung out at home, seeing some family and friends, and looking at my housing options and what feels like the best idea at the moment. Though I am leaning in a certain direction at this time, I am also trying to be cautious and not to misstep. Sometimes this is easier said than done :) I am also starting to prepare for a vacation, which will likely happen in January 2011. I know, you are saying to yourself "Wow, that is a long way away." Yes, it is, but when you are planning a trip to sunny Argentina it can take some time (and money) to plan such a trip!!!! So, Carla, get ready because I am on my way!!

In other news, I am loving my job and the challenges it presents. However, it is not all rosy. In the 8 weeks I have worked there I have been paid only twice and received only one mileage check. As Chris pointed out to me, it is a good thing I don't have rent/mortgage or utilities to pay for. How true he is. If I was a real adult with housing responsibilities I would be in a bit of trouble. But alas, that is not the case for me!!

So that's my week. Some ups and downs and never boring. What's ahead will likely prove to be much of the same. Jason goes in for surgery on Friday and hopefully all will go well there. Saturday is a busy day for me, as I have another LGBTA meeting in Baraboo, a planning meeting for my high school reunion, which is happening this summer, an oil change for my car (I have already put nearly 4000 miles on it in 2-months) and and Irish Dinner at my friend Kris' mom's home. For Sunday my goal is to relax, maybe go for a walk if the weather cooperates and love my life :)

Happy Birthday Jason!

I would like to wish Jason a very happy birthday. In the nearly 5 months that we have known one another you have already made such a huge impact on my life. Here it is your birthday and yet I feel as though I am the one who has continually received gifts from you. Thank you for helping me find myself again, to believe in happiness, love and forgiveness; and most of all to not give up even when things feel overwhelming. Your last year was a rough one and I hope to be able to play some role in this next year of your life where you feel all of the warmth that you have so generously bestowed on me. Shine on Jason!!

Yummy, Yummy Food

I feel like I can eat and eat and eat as of late. Even once I am full I seem to want to eat some more. Thankfully my size 33 skinny jeans still fit otherwise I would not be a happy person right about now. Anyway, today was filled with such good food. My Aunt Sugar made some of my favorite cookies and although I easily could have eaten them all, I did share them with three other people; sorry you didn't get any Jason. Then for dinner tonight I ate at my friend Kris' place with her and her family. She made the best cheese and vegetable soup I think I have ever eaten. I had bought a fresh loaf of French bread earlier in the day at the local bakery and she made garlic toast out of it...so good my mouth is watering now just thinking about it. And for dessert, a lemon cake with cream cheese and lemon frosting. I don't normally eat frosting, but this was some good stuff!! Time to increase the workouts!

A Very Good Day

I must admit, I was a bit anxious for today, but in the end it seemed to work out just fine. One of the issues for today was yet another doctor's appointment for Jason. However, the report today was a positive one, which is a huge relief. The other part of today that caused me a bit of worry was my first time facilitating the Southern Region Crisis Grant Committee. I am not saying I did a perfect job, but I did well enough and was given props for the job I did. I must admit, it feels really good to feel appreciated; it has been a long time since that emotion has come over me.

Now, for the best part of the day...my lunch. I went to a local bakery for lunch and had the most yummy beet and feta cheese salad and for dessert a blueberry lemon scone. Wow, were they good. I literally inhaled both of them in less than 15 minutes!!!

Now tonight I am having tortilla soup, a salad, bread with olive oil and Parmesan cheese, and for dessert another fruit smoothie. I am also hoping to relax in the hot tub tonight, though that has been my plan for much of the week :)

Thanks for every one's well wishes. I am very blessed to have you all in my life!!!

Positive Thoughts

It has been pointed out to me on many occasions that I can be a wee bit self-absorbed. Personally, I don't see that as an issue! Anyway, two people close to me are dealing with some things right now and since if you are reading this you likely care about me, I would ask that by extension of that you send positive thoughts to both Jason and Courtney. I will not go into what is involved in each of their situations, I mean, this blog is all about me :) But they both could use some extra encouragement and support right now. I thank you in advance for helping me with this.

In other news, I booked a flight today for Las Vegas. I have not been to Las Vegas since about 1997/8, when I went there for a long weekend with my mom. We had so much fun. Man, did I consume a lot of alcohol, and yet never once felt intoxicated. I did do a lot of walking, and of course eating, so maybe that helped as well! Anyway, this time I am going there for a friend's wedding. It should be a good time, filled with great friends and new memories...what more could I ask for.

Besides the wedding, I have some other plans already in play. I told myself, and others, that I was not making plans for things since the last time I did that (live in Germany for five years) it blew up in my face. Well, that plan of not planning is not working out too well. I now have plans to see the band Owl City in April, the play the Lion King in May, attend a Brewer's game in May, the wedding in Las Vegas in June and go to a bed and breakfast (my first time ever) in July. Also in July is my high school reunion. Even though it is only like my 5-year (or some year divisible by five), I think I will still go and see how everyone is doing :)

My Thighs and P!nk

Okay, let me begin by saying I am very proud of myself for actually going running last night. As much as I love to run and find it very cathartic and stress-reducing; I have not been very good the past two or three months on getting myself to do it. However, last night I did it. I was a bit scared at first as to how well I would actually do after taking a sabbatical from the whole running experience. But, I think I did pretty darn well. Actually, I picked up right where I left off and did a 10 minute mile. That's 3 miles in 30 minutes!!! I was so happy, out of breath, but happy. I also rode the stationary bike, did some crunches (100) and lifted some weights. It was a great workout and has got me excited to continue taking better care of my body. On the down side, today my lower, inner thighs are killing me and walking stairs causes me the most discomfort!!

So, after working out last night I made the dinner I wrote about in my previous post. It turned out pretty good; I didn't over eat and felt the portions of everything was on a healthy level. Oh, and the fruit smoothie last night was super yummy in my opinion. I think I will make another one tonight!!! Anyway, after dinner I watched the Grammy's (thank goodness for DVR...Alica I never fully appreciated your addiction to this device until now!!!). I think this was by far one of the worst Grammy award shows I have ever seen. Only one moment in the show had me in awe and that was when P!nk performed. I was so blown away by her. As most people know I was slated to see her perform in November 2009 in Germany, but due to circumstances that didn't happen; but at least the tickets didn't go to waste...hope you enjoyed the show Carsten! Thankfully I'm not bitter :) Anyway, the rest of the show sucked butt, but I still have the P!nk performance to give me hope for future Grammy award shows; why can't more people put on a performance like that?

Sometimes Plans Change

So far my weekend was not exactly what I was expecting, but then again it is important to be flexible and not become to fixated on things that outside of our control. The first major change in my plans for the weekend was not having dinner with Jason, Jonathan and Jeffery on Friday night. Jason was at the doctor on Friday and due to his appointment taking longer than anticipated, he needed to make up the time for work and thus was unable to do dinner. However, I heard from Jonathan and Jeffery, who still went to the restaurant, that service there was just awful and it sounded as though the food was also nothing to really write home about. Anyway, instead of going out to dinner on Friday night I had pizza delivered and of course deep fried mushrooms (don't judge me) and watched Tabatha and The Biggest Loser. By the way, I noticed that every time I was The Biggest Loser I seem to be grazing on a table full of food. Coincidence?!?

On Saturday I had breakfast (more like brunch really) with Jason, Jonathan and Jeffery. I had oatmeal and it was so yummy. I was pretty proud of myself too for not getting something too unhealthy. I did get a side of bacon, but only had 1.5 slices!! For much of the rest of Saturday, it was a pretty emotional day for various reasons. Many tears were shed, but it was very cathartic and nothing that I would want to change. I am very happy that I am so in touch with my emotions and feel comfortable expressing them. And for all those you have said over the years that I am too sensitive or too emotional...I just have one thing to say...suck it :)

On Saturday night I went with Jason to see the play RENT at the Overture Center in Madison. I saw the play in 1998 (ish) in Chicago with Courtney and Cameron. I think I might have even enjoyed the play more this time than last time; and last time I really loved it. I was still tearful throughout much of it; but for anyone who knows what the play is about, having tears during the show is not uncommon. Oh, and if you don't know what the play is about, in one word the message of the play is LOVE! The singing was beautiful and it made me sad to know that my soundtrack for this play is still in Germany. I would loved to have listened to it before seeing the show again, but that was not able to happen.

And so far today, well, let's just say I slept in...way in! Getting out of bed in the morning was not on my list of things to do today and I am happy to report that I accomplished that task. I thought about my life, my living situation and what my next steps should be. Speaking of that, I am no longer moving into the apartment I have already paid a security deposit on; as well, as renter's insurance for that matter. They are sending me my money back, as they have no idea when I will be able to get in there due to all the construction being way behind. So, I am going to try and return my new couch instead of dealing with trying to store it some place. I am a little sad about this as I love that couch. Most likely, for the time being, I will stay with Chris and Alison until I decide where I should put my roots down. This area of my life has been in flux for about two years now and I really need it to change and fast.

Okay, back to today. So, once I finally got out of bed I lounged around, cleaned a bit and then went to a late lunch with Jason during his lunch break. For the rest of the day I plan to go running and then watch the Grammy's. Yeah...another award show :) Oh, I did go to the store to buy food to make a nice dinner tonight. I am making boneless, skinless chicken breasts, brussel sprouts, roasted potatoes, and biscuits. For dessert I am making a fruit smoothie. After stepping on the scale today, I seriously need to make some changes in my eating and exercise routines!!!!

The Weekend Ahead

To say that I am excited for my upcoming weekend would be a huge understatement. Once I am done with work today, I am heading down to Madison, first to take care of some issues related to my new vehicle, then do move around some funds to make sure I am covered everywhere, but then the fun begins. I am going out to dinner tonight to Dardanelles in Madison with Jason, Jonathan and Jeffery. Wow, that's a lot of "J's"...not to self, don't meet anyone else whose names begins with the letter J!!!

Anyway, on Saturday night I am going to see the play RENT. I have not seen it in over 10 years, the last time was with Courtney and Cameron down in Chicago. It will be my first time in the Overture Center on State Street since it has been completely remodeled. To find out more about the venue and play, click here.

My goal for Sunday is to have a lazy day of drinking coffee and reading a new thriller/murder mystery. Plus, Sunday night the Grammy's are on...yeah...another award show.

I hope you all have a great weekend. Have fun and be safe!!!

My Life In Baraboo

I have been thinking that maybe with this blog I should periodically write about things that I have done in Baraboo or minor events that occur in a small city. So, here is the first in what may or may not become a series known as "My Life In Baraboo."

One thing that is really great about living here is my commute to work. I had various apartments while living in Chicago and the surrounding area. Most of my commutes averaged 30 minutes (only going 4 miles). When I lived out in the western suburb of Villa Park, which was roughly 21 miles from my apartment to my work, my commute was on a very good day 1.5 hours!! The longest was 4 hours, due to weather and road construction. However, here in Baraboo, I leave the house with a song on the radio and that same song is still playing when I pull into the parking lot at work. Yes, my commute is that short! So, when I think about living in a small town and how cramped it can feel at times, I remind myself of my short commute and instantly begin to feel better about my life in Baraboo.

Nature Video

This video was sent to me about 6 weeks ago and I have watched it often. It is not something I guess I would normally get into, though I do love the Planet Earth series. Anyway, it is about two animals; the hunter and the prey. It is beautifully filmed and I am mesmerized every time I watch it. So, I thought, why not share it with others who might enjoy it. If interested, click here to see it.

Great Start To The Week

It is Monday and things are off to a super beginning. I made it to work mostly on-time this morning after getting up and leaving Madison early with my mug full of coffee; thanks Jason! I had a super productive day at work and even received an email from some people at the state level regarding a report I wrote recently, which will now be used as the format for the other counties/grant initiatives across the state of Wisconsin. I had lunch with my aunt today, where I had the most amazing chicken sandwich with jalapeno bacon and spicy ranch sauce. This afternoon flew on by and before I knew it the day was over. After work I went to visit my grandma for a bit, since it had been just over one week and I knew she would be missing some of my lovin'! We had a nice visit and then it was home to have dinner with Chris and Alison. It might be snowing outside, but we still had brats on the grill, baked beans with bacon and a gorgeous side salad. Tonight I relaxed and did some leisure reading, along with talking with my mom, my friend Alica and Jason on the phone. Who could ask for a better day!?!

Back From The Windy City

It was a fun filled weekend in Chicago with my friend Kris. We ate a ton of good food, went to an Improv comedy club and shopped all day Saturday. A funny thing happened when we arrived at the hotel on Friday night. The room we were given was either not cleaned or someone else was already staying in it. Thankfully we didn't have to share with them :) I was able on Saturday to expose Kris to all that is IKEA; which really, who doesn't love that store!!

I'm Off To Chicago

In only a couple of hours I will be on the road for a weekend in Chicago with my friend Kris. We have a lot planned and I am excited to go and enjoy being back in the big city, if only for a weekend. Tonight we are eating Italian and going to an Improv Comedy Show. Tomorrow it is IKEA, Sushi and Woodfield Mall...assuming IKEA doesn't take up all the time. My guess is that after we return on Saturday night to the Boo I will crash and then Sunday it is laundry and figuring out my living situation. But for now, that goes on the back burner while I shop and eat myself into oblivion!!!

First Funky Day In A While

Though I am still the happiest I have been in a long time, this morning I woke up feeling a bit funky. Part of this was caused by disturbing dreams that involved Carsten. As much as I enjoy dream analysis, I must admit it is much more enjoyable when it is someone else's dreams!

My mood ebbed and flowed for the rest of the day. I received two packages in the mail from Carsten and then an email, which impacted my mood even more. In the end, all I will say on this is that I wish Carsten all the happiness in the world and I hope he is able to get to a place that is equivalent to where I am at at the moment. He deserves the best out of life, whatever that may be for him though I feel that has yet to be determined.

In other news, I found out today that it does not look like I will be moving into the apartment I have already paid for. Though they were suppose to be completed in September 2009; the date has been changed so often that now they don't know when they will be ready. I need to feel settled in my life, and clearly waiting for this apartment may no longer be in my best interest. So, now I have some thinking to do in terms of where I should live and what makes the most sense for me with where I am at in my life at the moment. Any suggestions on this would be gladly accepted :)

Tonight I hung out with Jason and Rebecca and we made yummy cupcakes. Well, Rebecca did most of the backing, but sampling them is an important job that I believe is often over looked!!

I Got My Hair Did

Tonight was a great night; though also a busy one. After work I went to a spa to have my hair done. It is a bit different than what I have done in the past, but then again, looking at my various hair styles one might think "what hasn't he done?" Well, this time I only had a little cut off in hopes of growing it out again. I had the hair above my ears and at the neck line colored chocolate brown and the rest a strawberry blonde. However, the tips are still a bit platinum from when I colored it in August, so I now have a cornucopia of color in my hair :)

After the hair appointment, I went home, ate a very quick dinner and then off to see my cousin Katie. We talked for hours about boys, family, boys, work, boys, school and then boys. As you can tell, a very well-rounded conversation was had :)

My Time To Shine

I spend much of my time in reflection. Now that I am travelling most days for work, I have hours alone in the car with just me and my thoughts, and of course some music :) I have noticed that my thoughts have shifted from focusing on my past, whether it is distant past or recent past, to focusing on my present and future. This is some what of a new phenomenon for me. Although one of my favorite books is The Power Of Now, it has always been a challenge for me to remain in the present. The present was always scary to me. I knew the past, I lived the past and so often that is where my thoughts and feelings would remain. Even if it was a painful memory, at least I knew it and found some sort of comfort in that knowledge.

As more time passes, I see myself not only becoming a happier person, but a stronger one as well. The pain and loss I endured in 2009 was something that I thought I would never be able to move past. And to be honest, I don't think a part of me really wanted to. I was holding onto something that was gone a long time ago. I know others who had struggles last year and I often think, "Well, was mine really that bad in comparison?" I don't know how to answer that exactly other than to say mine was bad for me.

Most people know the saying "When one door closes another door opens," and I don't think I truly appreciated this until recently (thank you Jason!). I had invested so much of my time and energy into my previous relationship that when it ended I was lost and not only did I not see any doors, I couldn't even find a window to open for air. However, that has all changed. I found a door and opened it wide. The freedom I found was invigorating; I relocated my old self--who is now older, wiser and healthier than ever. The thoughts of suicide that plagued me just a few short months ago feel like a distant memory. I know that when I shared my thoughts on suicide it scared some people and though that was not my intent; I have no regrets about it, as it is time that people begin to talk about their feelings-both the pleasant and unpleasant-and allow others in to help them when needed and share in their joy. Though I still have a lot of life ahead of me; I know that I will make it through one day at a time.

Where Does The Time Go

It can be a bit scary how quickly time seems to be going by. I can admit that I am often a bit spacey, but as of late, I feel like I rarely know what day it is and when I look at a clock it is several hours later than I think it should be. I'm just going to blame it on all the happiness :)

On Sunday during the day I went to Jason's house to tidy it up a bit and get some food together for a small Golden Globes gathering, however, it needed to be cancelled due to scheduling problems, which meant more food for me and Jason!! Fun night; I remember back in the 90's Laura and I would get together for every award show, order some pizza in and watch for hours...I mean, we had to see the pre-show, the actual show and then the hours of post-shows. Since I am not one to judge (wink,wink) we would observe what people wore and make constructive criticism when necessary.

Anyway, Monday after a really long day of work I went over the my friend Courtney's and was able to see her, her daughter and another friend, Sheri. We had a yummy dinner together, caught up on each other's lives and just hung out for a few hours. Since my goal has been to be a better friend, I feel like I am on my way of accomplishing this goal, though let's face it, I still have a way to go; but on the upside I also have 11more months to reach my goal!!

Feelin' Good

It is only Sunday morning and already my weekend was perfect. I feel so blessed and fortunate to have my life right now. It feels like a long time coming and I am cherishing every moment of it. It has been my goal to make 2010 the best year of my life and though we are only a couple weeks into it, it is shaping up to be an amazing year. The recent pain I felt and the darkness that I went through feels like a distant memory; a piece of my past that I lived through and learned from, but really, isn't that what life is all about? And with that, I want to thank everyone for seeing me through the hard times and being here with me now during the happy. Like Nina Simone sang in Feelin' Good
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feelin' good

A Wonderful Day

The day began with a superb wake-up call and then it was off to work. It was a productive day, filled with phone calls, emails and lots of reading to prepare for some upcoming trainings I will have to do this spring. After work I came home, cleaned the kitchen a bit and then took a nap. I forgot how wonderful naps can be.

Tonight my mom came over and we chatted and played some Wii. Oh, and we finally lit the fireplace again, so it was all warm and fuzzy throughout the house tonight. Really the only downside to today was when one of the dogs mushed my testicles. But, nothing a little ice couldn't take care of :)

Sharing The Love

The past two days have been really remarkable. When you meet someone who you are totally and completely comfortable with it makes such a difference on how you see yourself and the world around you. Time goes by quicker, the sun shines more, work goes better; everything just seems to fit into place. I love this feeling!!!

Today was also a really good day as I was able to arrange my schedule to have lunch with my dad and then I spent the evening with my friend Rachel catching up on everything in each other's lives. We laughed for hours and ate some really good food at fantastic restaurant, whose name I never really knew but enjoyed the food immensely.

Tonight I am going into the whirlpool to relax and prepare for a great night's sleep. Life is sweet right now!

My Rebirth

When I moved to Germany in 2008 I thought that it was at that time my life would be completely different and I would go through some form of transformation. Now, don't get me wrong, it was a life-changing experience that was wonderful for me in many ways; but honestly it has been since my return from living abroad that my life has transformed, especially in the past two weeks. Aside from being happier than I can actually ever remember being, my outlook on things is improved, my self-esteem is getting better and my ability to see people for who they are is strengthened. It is like coming out of a dark tunnel and seeing the light; except this time it feels as though I am seeing the light for the first time. Everything feels new and different. I am experiencing things in my life I have not had the opportunity to be exposed to previously and it feels good. So, thank you that have been on this journey with me and for sharing in my rebirth. I especially want to thank Jason for helping me to see the kind of person I want to be and for letting me be that person.

The Anal In Analyze

My weekend thus far has been fantastic! Aside from being told by Jason that I put the 'anal in analyze' (still not sure how to take that), I have had a blast. I am part of a new group in Baraboo which is trying to bring together the LGBT community and to have more of a presence. I am very exciting to see where this will lead, not only for me and my own connections to like-minded individuals, but also for the community as a whole.

Saturday night I did a little shopping and bought some cooking items for my new apartment...please let me move in on February 1st!!!, and then I put on my sexy skinny jeans and headed out to dinner with Jason, Chris and Alison. After that I went to a birthday party with Jason and had a really great time meeting new people and just kind of hanging out. I have often joked about how hard it is being popular and recently I think I am actually beginning to feel as though people genuinely want to spend time with me, have me around and enjoy all my craziness.

Later on Saturday night I watched the movie Paranormal Activity. As everyone who knows me is aware, horror movies are my favorite type of movie. Well, this movie nearly made me crap my pants several times. I had goosebumps, my hair was literally standing on end and I may have even screamed a little out-loud. After the movie I needed some major distraction to ensure I would be able to sleep without any nightmares. And guess what? It worked; no nightmares, just a sound sleep.

The Weekend Is Here!

For some reason, this week I have been extra tired; maybe it is all the late night phone calls :) Whatever the reason I am very excited to have it be the weekend. This morning I am going to a meeting to start a LGBT Alliance here in Baraboo and then this afternoon I will head off to Madison. I am going to a birthday celebration tonight, where I will meet some new people (one of my favorite things to do) and then I will spend the rest of the weekend hanging out in Madison with Jason until I have to return to work Monday morning. Ah, I love life right now!!!

My Thoughts As The Week Draws To A Close

I have had a great week, though I have two people in my life I wish I would have had better contact with. My hope is to be able to talk with at least one of these people this weekend...yes Laura, this is you :) I miss ya!!!

As I have pondered over my life this week one word kept coming to mind to describe how I feel and that word is invincible. I feel great about my work and the job I do, I love my vehicle (especially in all this snow), I have faith that soon I will be able to move into my apartment and my personal life is on an up-swing. I feel like I really don't have anything to complain about; sure, I wish some things were different (like having all my belongings from Germany shipped to me), but my perspective on this is that I need to learn to have more patience and that when the time is right, my stuff will be shipped.

At times I feel like this feeling or at least this level of happiness is a bit foreign to me. I mean, I have been happy in the past with my life and where things are going, but for some reason it feels different this time. I have really decided that right now I am going through some sort of rebirth. Not in the spiritual way, but on how I see myself, my life and those around me. It is a new year and in many ways a new beginning. I have been given the chance to rebuild myself and I feel more in control in being able to do this and do it in a way that makes me happy and feels right to me instead of living my life for someone else. I am sure I will slip from time-to-time on that point, but right now that is the path I am on and it feels clear of any debris.

I Heart Music

A funny thing happened on Tuesday night. After work I went to visit Jason. While there I was trying to be cute and ask him to burn me 1 or 2 CDs, as the only music I have here are two burned CDs from Alica (which I love) while the rest of my music sits in Germany. I found Jason's response to be off-putting, but it was his attempt at being cute, as he had already burned 10 CDs for me as a surprise. I just love surprises!!!

For those of you who know me quite intimately, then you will understand me when I say 1996 is a thing of the past...it is now 2010, and with what looks like more to come :)

My face hurts from smiling so much and gosh it feels good to be me right now!! I feel like I am finally back on top after being sunken down for so long.

A Sweet Life

This run of happiness has continued and it just feels so good. It has made me realize just how sad I have been and for much longer than maybe even I realized. Thus, I want to thank everyone again for helping me deal with my struggles and to help me find my shining star of happiness again. As the Pet Shop Boys once sang, Happiness Is An Option.

Busy With Visiting Friends and Family

Today was a really great day. I woke up happy and that feeling lasted the entire day through. I started the day having breakfast with a friend, followed by watching football and then visiting with my grandma for a couple of hours. After that I hung out with my mom for a bit to hear all about her vacation and then out to dinner for Mexican!!! And as if I hadn't seen enough people I went to visit some friends and their new baby, who clearly wants to live with me :) The day ended with me talking on the phone with my bestie and then my new special friend. A great day...right!?!

Happiness

I remember back to a time when I was happy quite often. I smiled, laughed and felt really good about life and all the opportunities that lay ahead of me. However, something had changed and some of that happiness left me; I felt a greyness come over me and a sense of dread for what lay ahead. But now, after a chance encounter, so to speak, a crossing of paths if you will, happiness has again presented itself in front of me. It's funny how even happiness can feel scary at times; but you know what, if we don't take a chance at happiness it is only ourselves that we are letting down. I am not one for regrets and I don't feel like starting to have them now. So, let's all take a chance on happiness, listen to our gut instincts and follow our hearts.

Happy New Year

I hope everyone had a great beginning into the new year. To say I am ready for 2010 would be a huge understatement. Although my 2009 was filled with many great new adventures, it was also filled with heartache and too much pain and loss. However, 2010 is shaping up to be a great year already. I want to thank Kris, Jason and of course Tabatha for helping me to welcome in the New Year and for making the first day on this year one I will remember for many years to come. Here's to new friends, new beginnings and a new outlook on life!!