5 Months

It was five months ago today that I arrived back in the US from living abroad in Germany. When I first arrived back in Wisconsin, I had hopes of being able to return to Germany, to pick-up my life, my relationship and my goals for the future. As the days, weeks and eventually months passed it became ever more clear that the path I had created for myself, the direction I wanted my life to go in (or thought I wanted my life to go in), was not the one I was to take.

Five months ago I was at the lowest point of my life. I had no ambition, no desire and no zest for life. My self-esteem was shot, I didn't care about my health, my appearance and on most days I barely got out of bed. My life was no longer important; it had no meaning and I spent my days drifting aimlessly wanting it all to just end. But, as time passed, I began to heal. If it was not for the support of my family and friends, I don't believe I would even be here today. I feel very blessed for the people I have in my life and though I can't name everyone here; I would like to do a little shout-out to some of the people who have helped me rebuild my life over the past five months:

Laura - What can I say? You were there for me in a way and at a time that others were not able to be. If you had not come through with helping me leave Germany, I fear what would have happened. I love you very much and I look forward to seeing you again soon so I can wrap my arms around you and let you know face-to-face how much you impacted my life.
Chris - Thank you once again for being the most amazing brother anyone could ask for. Your generosity and love is what kept me going so much of the time. I feel honored to call you my brother and my best friend. Everyone needs someone like you in their life!!!
Mom & Aunt Sugar - You are two of the most interesting women. You each compliment my life in different ways and because of that I am forced to look at things from an alternate perspective. Thanks for pushing me out of my comfort zone :)
Kris - Even when I wanted to be alone and sit in my stink and misery you wouldn't let me. Thank you for listening, for the laughs and all the good food you have prepared for me over the past five months.
Grandma - I love you!! Being there for you when you had to go to the hospital is one of the greatest gifts I have received. I felt lucky to have the time to be there next to you, to bond and connect with you in an even deeper way than we already do.
Carsten - I am sure it looks weird seeing Carsten's name here under my thank you's, since he had a large role in the unhappiness I felt; and caused me to rebuild my life from scraps of nothing. However, I am truly thankful for what we had together and if I had not gone through what I did because of him, I would not be in the place I am at now; which is loving my life and ready for whatever adventures might be in store for me. Now ship my stuff :)
Alica - A gay boy could not ask for a better friend!!! If I were straight I would want you as my partner in life; put I guess I will settle for best friend. We have been together since the mid 90's I believe. You make me think about things in a manner different than I might otherwise think. You only offer your opinion when asked for and you take me dancing to shake my money-maker when you know I need some cheering up. You are forever my girl!
Dad - I don't know if we have ever really seen eye-to-eye, but no matter what you are my dad and I will always love you. In the past year you have shown more feelings and emotions toward me than I think you have for all the other years of my life added together. You are still growing; we are still growing together.
Jason - Our paths crossed by chance; or was it fate? We may not ever know, but what I do know is that I feel very fortunate to have been allowed into your life. We were both struggling with loss at the time our paths crossed and though the losses were different, we were able to support and encourage one another on a deeper more intimate level than we may have allowed others to do. At least I know that is true for me. Much love to you!

So, to these people and the countless others who have been in my life, I thank you for making me realize how much life I still had within me to share. I may not have all the answers, but I have at least one and that is that my life, no matter what, is worth fighting for.