My Time To Shine

I spend much of my time in reflection. Now that I am travelling most days for work, I have hours alone in the car with just me and my thoughts, and of course some music :) I have noticed that my thoughts have shifted from focusing on my past, whether it is distant past or recent past, to focusing on my present and future. This is some what of a new phenomenon for me. Although one of my favorite books is The Power Of Now, it has always been a challenge for me to remain in the present. The present was always scary to me. I knew the past, I lived the past and so often that is where my thoughts and feelings would remain. Even if it was a painful memory, at least I knew it and found some sort of comfort in that knowledge.

As more time passes, I see myself not only becoming a happier person, but a stronger one as well. The pain and loss I endured in 2009 was something that I thought I would never be able to move past. And to be honest, I don't think a part of me really wanted to. I was holding onto something that was gone a long time ago. I know others who had struggles last year and I often think, "Well, was mine really that bad in comparison?" I don't know how to answer that exactly other than to say mine was bad for me.

Most people know the saying "When one door closes another door opens," and I don't think I truly appreciated this until recently (thank you Jason!). I had invested so much of my time and energy into my previous relationship that when it ended I was lost and not only did I not see any doors, I couldn't even find a window to open for air. However, that has all changed. I found a door and opened it wide. The freedom I found was invigorating; I relocated my old self--who is now older, wiser and healthier than ever. The thoughts of suicide that plagued me just a few short months ago feel like a distant memory. I know that when I shared my thoughts on suicide it scared some people and though that was not my intent; I have no regrets about it, as it is time that people begin to talk about their feelings-both the pleasant and unpleasant-and allow others in to help them when needed and share in their joy. Though I still have a lot of life ahead of me; I know that I will make it through one day at a time.