Sometimes Plans Change

So far my weekend was not exactly what I was expecting, but then again it is important to be flexible and not become to fixated on things that outside of our control. The first major change in my plans for the weekend was not having dinner with Jason, Jonathan and Jeffery on Friday night. Jason was at the doctor on Friday and due to his appointment taking longer than anticipated, he needed to make up the time for work and thus was unable to do dinner. However, I heard from Jonathan and Jeffery, who still went to the restaurant, that service there was just awful and it sounded as though the food was also nothing to really write home about. Anyway, instead of going out to dinner on Friday night I had pizza delivered and of course deep fried mushrooms (don't judge me) and watched Tabatha and The Biggest Loser. By the way, I noticed that every time I was The Biggest Loser I seem to be grazing on a table full of food. Coincidence?!?

On Saturday I had breakfast (more like brunch really) with Jason, Jonathan and Jeffery. I had oatmeal and it was so yummy. I was pretty proud of myself too for not getting something too unhealthy. I did get a side of bacon, but only had 1.5 slices!! For much of the rest of Saturday, it was a pretty emotional day for various reasons. Many tears were shed, but it was very cathartic and nothing that I would want to change. I am very happy that I am so in touch with my emotions and feel comfortable expressing them. And for all those you have said over the years that I am too sensitive or too emotional...I just have one thing to say...suck it :)

On Saturday night I went with Jason to see the play RENT at the Overture Center in Madison. I saw the play in 1998 (ish) in Chicago with Courtney and Cameron. I think I might have even enjoyed the play more this time than last time; and last time I really loved it. I was still tearful throughout much of it; but for anyone who knows what the play is about, having tears during the show is not uncommon. Oh, and if you don't know what the play is about, in one word the message of the play is LOVE! The singing was beautiful and it made me sad to know that my soundtrack for this play is still in Germany. I would loved to have listened to it before seeing the show again, but that was not able to happen.

And so far today, well, let's just say I slept in...way in! Getting out of bed in the morning was not on my list of things to do today and I am happy to report that I accomplished that task. I thought about my life, my living situation and what my next steps should be. Speaking of that, I am no longer moving into the apartment I have already paid a security deposit on; as well, as renter's insurance for that matter. They are sending me my money back, as they have no idea when I will be able to get in there due to all the construction being way behind. So, I am going to try and return my new couch instead of dealing with trying to store it some place. I am a little sad about this as I love that couch. Most likely, for the time being, I will stay with Chris and Alison until I decide where I should put my roots down. This area of my life has been in flux for about two years now and I really need it to change and fast.

Okay, back to today. So, once I finally got out of bed I lounged around, cleaned a bit and then went to a late lunch with Jason during his lunch break. For the rest of the day I plan to go running and then watch the Grammy's. Yeah...another award show :) Oh, I did go to the store to buy food to make a nice dinner tonight. I am making boneless, skinless chicken breasts, brussel sprouts, roasted potatoes, and biscuits. For dessert I am making a fruit smoothie. After stepping on the scale today, I seriously need to make some changes in my eating and exercise routines!!!!

The Weekend Ahead

To say that I am excited for my upcoming weekend would be a huge understatement. Once I am done with work today, I am heading down to Madison, first to take care of some issues related to my new vehicle, then do move around some funds to make sure I am covered everywhere, but then the fun begins. I am going out to dinner tonight to Dardanelles in Madison with Jason, Jonathan and Jeffery. Wow, that's a lot of "J's"...not to self, don't meet anyone else whose names begins with the letter J!!!

Anyway, on Saturday night I am going to see the play RENT. I have not seen it in over 10 years, the last time was with Courtney and Cameron down in Chicago. It will be my first time in the Overture Center on State Street since it has been completely remodeled. To find out more about the venue and play, click here.

My goal for Sunday is to have a lazy day of drinking coffee and reading a new thriller/murder mystery. Plus, Sunday night the Grammy's are on...yeah...another award show.

I hope you all have a great weekend. Have fun and be safe!!!

My Life In Baraboo

I have been thinking that maybe with this blog I should periodically write about things that I have done in Baraboo or minor events that occur in a small city. So, here is the first in what may or may not become a series known as "My Life In Baraboo."

One thing that is really great about living here is my commute to work. I had various apartments while living in Chicago and the surrounding area. Most of my commutes averaged 30 minutes (only going 4 miles). When I lived out in the western suburb of Villa Park, which was roughly 21 miles from my apartment to my work, my commute was on a very good day 1.5 hours!! The longest was 4 hours, due to weather and road construction. However, here in Baraboo, I leave the house with a song on the radio and that same song is still playing when I pull into the parking lot at work. Yes, my commute is that short! So, when I think about living in a small town and how cramped it can feel at times, I remind myself of my short commute and instantly begin to feel better about my life in Baraboo.

Nature Video

This video was sent to me about 6 weeks ago and I have watched it often. It is not something I guess I would normally get into, though I do love the Planet Earth series. Anyway, it is about two animals; the hunter and the prey. It is beautifully filmed and I am mesmerized every time I watch it. So, I thought, why not share it with others who might enjoy it. If interested, click here to see it.

Great Start To The Week

It is Monday and things are off to a super beginning. I made it to work mostly on-time this morning after getting up and leaving Madison early with my mug full of coffee; thanks Jason! I had a super productive day at work and even received an email from some people at the state level regarding a report I wrote recently, which will now be used as the format for the other counties/grant initiatives across the state of Wisconsin. I had lunch with my aunt today, where I had the most amazing chicken sandwich with jalapeno bacon and spicy ranch sauce. This afternoon flew on by and before I knew it the day was over. After work I went to visit my grandma for a bit, since it had been just over one week and I knew she would be missing some of my lovin'! We had a nice visit and then it was home to have dinner with Chris and Alison. It might be snowing outside, but we still had brats on the grill, baked beans with bacon and a gorgeous side salad. Tonight I relaxed and did some leisure reading, along with talking with my mom, my friend Alica and Jason on the phone. Who could ask for a better day!?!

Back From The Windy City

It was a fun filled weekend in Chicago with my friend Kris. We ate a ton of good food, went to an Improv comedy club and shopped all day Saturday. A funny thing happened when we arrived at the hotel on Friday night. The room we were given was either not cleaned or someone else was already staying in it. Thankfully we didn't have to share with them :) I was able on Saturday to expose Kris to all that is IKEA; which really, who doesn't love that store!!

I'm Off To Chicago

In only a couple of hours I will be on the road for a weekend in Chicago with my friend Kris. We have a lot planned and I am excited to go and enjoy being back in the big city, if only for a weekend. Tonight we are eating Italian and going to an Improv Comedy Show. Tomorrow it is IKEA, Sushi and Woodfield Mall...assuming IKEA doesn't take up all the time. My guess is that after we return on Saturday night to the Boo I will crash and then Sunday it is laundry and figuring out my living situation. But for now, that goes on the back burner while I shop and eat myself into oblivion!!!

First Funky Day In A While

Though I am still the happiest I have been in a long time, this morning I woke up feeling a bit funky. Part of this was caused by disturbing dreams that involved Carsten. As much as I enjoy dream analysis, I must admit it is much more enjoyable when it is someone else's dreams!

My mood ebbed and flowed for the rest of the day. I received two packages in the mail from Carsten and then an email, which impacted my mood even more. In the end, all I will say on this is that I wish Carsten all the happiness in the world and I hope he is able to get to a place that is equivalent to where I am at at the moment. He deserves the best out of life, whatever that may be for him though I feel that has yet to be determined.

In other news, I found out today that it does not look like I will be moving into the apartment I have already paid for. Though they were suppose to be completed in September 2009; the date has been changed so often that now they don't know when they will be ready. I need to feel settled in my life, and clearly waiting for this apartment may no longer be in my best interest. So, now I have some thinking to do in terms of where I should live and what makes the most sense for me with where I am at in my life at the moment. Any suggestions on this would be gladly accepted :)

Tonight I hung out with Jason and Rebecca and we made yummy cupcakes. Well, Rebecca did most of the backing, but sampling them is an important job that I believe is often over looked!!

I Got My Hair Did

Tonight was a great night; though also a busy one. After work I went to a spa to have my hair done. It is a bit different than what I have done in the past, but then again, looking at my various hair styles one might think "what hasn't he done?" Well, this time I only had a little cut off in hopes of growing it out again. I had the hair above my ears and at the neck line colored chocolate brown and the rest a strawberry blonde. However, the tips are still a bit platinum from when I colored it in August, so I now have a cornucopia of color in my hair :)

After the hair appointment, I went home, ate a very quick dinner and then off to see my cousin Katie. We talked for hours about boys, family, boys, work, boys, school and then boys. As you can tell, a very well-rounded conversation was had :)

My Time To Shine

I spend much of my time in reflection. Now that I am travelling most days for work, I have hours alone in the car with just me and my thoughts, and of course some music :) I have noticed that my thoughts have shifted from focusing on my past, whether it is distant past or recent past, to focusing on my present and future. This is some what of a new phenomenon for me. Although one of my favorite books is The Power Of Now, it has always been a challenge for me to remain in the present. The present was always scary to me. I knew the past, I lived the past and so often that is where my thoughts and feelings would remain. Even if it was a painful memory, at least I knew it and found some sort of comfort in that knowledge.

As more time passes, I see myself not only becoming a happier person, but a stronger one as well. The pain and loss I endured in 2009 was something that I thought I would never be able to move past. And to be honest, I don't think a part of me really wanted to. I was holding onto something that was gone a long time ago. I know others who had struggles last year and I often think, "Well, was mine really that bad in comparison?" I don't know how to answer that exactly other than to say mine was bad for me.

Most people know the saying "When one door closes another door opens," and I don't think I truly appreciated this until recently (thank you Jason!). I had invested so much of my time and energy into my previous relationship that when it ended I was lost and not only did I not see any doors, I couldn't even find a window to open for air. However, that has all changed. I found a door and opened it wide. The freedom I found was invigorating; I relocated my old self--who is now older, wiser and healthier than ever. The thoughts of suicide that plagued me just a few short months ago feel like a distant memory. I know that when I shared my thoughts on suicide it scared some people and though that was not my intent; I have no regrets about it, as it is time that people begin to talk about their feelings-both the pleasant and unpleasant-and allow others in to help them when needed and share in their joy. Though I still have a lot of life ahead of me; I know that I will make it through one day at a time.

Where Does The Time Go

It can be a bit scary how quickly time seems to be going by. I can admit that I am often a bit spacey, but as of late, I feel like I rarely know what day it is and when I look at a clock it is several hours later than I think it should be. I'm just going to blame it on all the happiness :)

On Sunday during the day I went to Jason's house to tidy it up a bit and get some food together for a small Golden Globes gathering, however, it needed to be cancelled due to scheduling problems, which meant more food for me and Jason!! Fun night; I remember back in the 90's Laura and I would get together for every award show, order some pizza in and watch for hours...I mean, we had to see the pre-show, the actual show and then the hours of post-shows. Since I am not one to judge (wink,wink) we would observe what people wore and make constructive criticism when necessary.

Anyway, Monday after a really long day of work I went over the my friend Courtney's and was able to see her, her daughter and another friend, Sheri. We had a yummy dinner together, caught up on each other's lives and just hung out for a few hours. Since my goal has been to be a better friend, I feel like I am on my way of accomplishing this goal, though let's face it, I still have a way to go; but on the upside I also have 11more months to reach my goal!!

Feelin' Good

It is only Sunday morning and already my weekend was perfect. I feel so blessed and fortunate to have my life right now. It feels like a long time coming and I am cherishing every moment of it. It has been my goal to make 2010 the best year of my life and though we are only a couple weeks into it, it is shaping up to be an amazing year. The recent pain I felt and the darkness that I went through feels like a distant memory; a piece of my past that I lived through and learned from, but really, isn't that what life is all about? And with that, I want to thank everyone for seeing me through the hard times and being here with me now during the happy. Like Nina Simone sang in Feelin' Good
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feelin' good

A Wonderful Day

The day began with a superb wake-up call and then it was off to work. It was a productive day, filled with phone calls, emails and lots of reading to prepare for some upcoming trainings I will have to do this spring. After work I came home, cleaned the kitchen a bit and then took a nap. I forgot how wonderful naps can be.

Tonight my mom came over and we chatted and played some Wii. Oh, and we finally lit the fireplace again, so it was all warm and fuzzy throughout the house tonight. Really the only downside to today was when one of the dogs mushed my testicles. But, nothing a little ice couldn't take care of :)

Sharing The Love

The past two days have been really remarkable. When you meet someone who you are totally and completely comfortable with it makes such a difference on how you see yourself and the world around you. Time goes by quicker, the sun shines more, work goes better; everything just seems to fit into place. I love this feeling!!!

Today was also a really good day as I was able to arrange my schedule to have lunch with my dad and then I spent the evening with my friend Rachel catching up on everything in each other's lives. We laughed for hours and ate some really good food at fantastic restaurant, whose name I never really knew but enjoyed the food immensely.

Tonight I am going into the whirlpool to relax and prepare for a great night's sleep. Life is sweet right now!

My Rebirth

When I moved to Germany in 2008 I thought that it was at that time my life would be completely different and I would go through some form of transformation. Now, don't get me wrong, it was a life-changing experience that was wonderful for me in many ways; but honestly it has been since my return from living abroad that my life has transformed, especially in the past two weeks. Aside from being happier than I can actually ever remember being, my outlook on things is improved, my self-esteem is getting better and my ability to see people for who they are is strengthened. It is like coming out of a dark tunnel and seeing the light; except this time it feels as though I am seeing the light for the first time. Everything feels new and different. I am experiencing things in my life I have not had the opportunity to be exposed to previously and it feels good. So, thank you that have been on this journey with me and for sharing in my rebirth. I especially want to thank Jason for helping me to see the kind of person I want to be and for letting me be that person.

The Anal In Analyze

My weekend thus far has been fantastic! Aside from being told by Jason that I put the 'anal in analyze' (still not sure how to take that), I have had a blast. I am part of a new group in Baraboo which is trying to bring together the LGBT community and to have more of a presence. I am very exciting to see where this will lead, not only for me and my own connections to like-minded individuals, but also for the community as a whole.

Saturday night I did a little shopping and bought some cooking items for my new apartment...please let me move in on February 1st!!!, and then I put on my sexy skinny jeans and headed out to dinner with Jason, Chris and Alison. After that I went to a birthday party with Jason and had a really great time meeting new people and just kind of hanging out. I have often joked about how hard it is being popular and recently I think I am actually beginning to feel as though people genuinely want to spend time with me, have me around and enjoy all my craziness.

Later on Saturday night I watched the movie Paranormal Activity. As everyone who knows me is aware, horror movies are my favorite type of movie. Well, this movie nearly made me crap my pants several times. I had goosebumps, my hair was literally standing on end and I may have even screamed a little out-loud. After the movie I needed some major distraction to ensure I would be able to sleep without any nightmares. And guess what? It worked; no nightmares, just a sound sleep.

The Weekend Is Here!

For some reason, this week I have been extra tired; maybe it is all the late night phone calls :) Whatever the reason I am very excited to have it be the weekend. This morning I am going to a meeting to start a LGBT Alliance here in Baraboo and then this afternoon I will head off to Madison. I am going to a birthday celebration tonight, where I will meet some new people (one of my favorite things to do) and then I will spend the rest of the weekend hanging out in Madison with Jason until I have to return to work Monday morning. Ah, I love life right now!!!

My Thoughts As The Week Draws To A Close

I have had a great week, though I have two people in my life I wish I would have had better contact with. My hope is to be able to talk with at least one of these people this weekend...yes Laura, this is you :) I miss ya!!!

As I have pondered over my life this week one word kept coming to mind to describe how I feel and that word is invincible. I feel great about my work and the job I do, I love my vehicle (especially in all this snow), I have faith that soon I will be able to move into my apartment and my personal life is on an up-swing. I feel like I really don't have anything to complain about; sure, I wish some things were different (like having all my belongings from Germany shipped to me), but my perspective on this is that I need to learn to have more patience and that when the time is right, my stuff will be shipped.

At times I feel like this feeling or at least this level of happiness is a bit foreign to me. I mean, I have been happy in the past with my life and where things are going, but for some reason it feels different this time. I have really decided that right now I am going through some sort of rebirth. Not in the spiritual way, but on how I see myself, my life and those around me. It is a new year and in many ways a new beginning. I have been given the chance to rebuild myself and I feel more in control in being able to do this and do it in a way that makes me happy and feels right to me instead of living my life for someone else. I am sure I will slip from time-to-time on that point, but right now that is the path I am on and it feels clear of any debris.

I Heart Music

A funny thing happened on Tuesday night. After work I went to visit Jason. While there I was trying to be cute and ask him to burn me 1 or 2 CDs, as the only music I have here are two burned CDs from Alica (which I love) while the rest of my music sits in Germany. I found Jason's response to be off-putting, but it was his attempt at being cute, as he had already burned 10 CDs for me as a surprise. I just love surprises!!!

For those of you who know me quite intimately, then you will understand me when I say 1996 is a thing of the past...it is now 2010, and with what looks like more to come :)

My face hurts from smiling so much and gosh it feels good to be me right now!! I feel like I am finally back on top after being sunken down for so long.

A Sweet Life

This run of happiness has continued and it just feels so good. It has made me realize just how sad I have been and for much longer than maybe even I realized. Thus, I want to thank everyone again for helping me deal with my struggles and to help me find my shining star of happiness again. As the Pet Shop Boys once sang, Happiness Is An Option.

Busy With Visiting Friends and Family

Today was a really great day. I woke up happy and that feeling lasted the entire day through. I started the day having breakfast with a friend, followed by watching football and then visiting with my grandma for a couple of hours. After that I hung out with my mom for a bit to hear all about her vacation and then out to dinner for Mexican!!! And as if I hadn't seen enough people I went to visit some friends and their new baby, who clearly wants to live with me :) The day ended with me talking on the phone with my bestie and then my new special friend. A great day...right!?!

Happiness

I remember back to a time when I was happy quite often. I smiled, laughed and felt really good about life and all the opportunities that lay ahead of me. However, something had changed and some of that happiness left me; I felt a greyness come over me and a sense of dread for what lay ahead. But now, after a chance encounter, so to speak, a crossing of paths if you will, happiness has again presented itself in front of me. It's funny how even happiness can feel scary at times; but you know what, if we don't take a chance at happiness it is only ourselves that we are letting down. I am not one for regrets and I don't feel like starting to have them now. So, let's all take a chance on happiness, listen to our gut instincts and follow our hearts.

Happy New Year

I hope everyone had a great beginning into the new year. To say I am ready for 2010 would be a huge understatement. Although my 2009 was filled with many great new adventures, it was also filled with heartache and too much pain and loss. However, 2010 is shaping up to be a great year already. I want to thank Kris, Jason and of course Tabatha for helping me to welcome in the New Year and for making the first day on this year one I will remember for many years to come. Here's to new friends, new beginnings and a new outlook on life!!