My Grateful List

I decided that I am tired of being sad and throwing pity parties for myself. So, I decided to recall the things in this world I am most grateful for to improve my outlook on life. Maybe the list will be long, maybe short; and I am sure some things will be forgotten. But here it is in all of its glory.

1. I am grateful for my family--they have helped me in ways I never thought imaginable
2. For my friends, who have stuck by me even when I wasn't a good friend
3. My new vehicle, Lulu, for getting me where I need to be
4. For having a job, which in our economy is not something everyone has
5. For the Cleveland Show, which makes me laugh whenever I see it
6. For my grandmother for being such an amazing woman
7. For my brother who has taken me into his home, no questions asked
8. For all of you who read my blog and show an interest in my life
9. For Madonna who I have followed for over 20 years now
10. For shoes, which I love to buy, buy, buy
11. For Cd's and music to make my life more bearable during difficult times
12. For my friends who put up with me even when I'm a bitch
13. For sour candy
14. I am grateful to all the people who I have loved and have loved me back
15. For my time in Germany
16. For Michael Phelps body
17. To soccer
18. For the mindless horror movies that I love to watch
19. For cell phone, Internet and the technology that lets me stay connected to people
20 For the ones who do the things that I wish I could, help where I cannot, and say what I
don't know how.
21. Red Wine
22. Sushi
23. The I-Pod
24. A hug
25. And last on this list, though other things could be added, Carsten

The Song That Best Describes My Life At The Moment

Every time I turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather
I can feel you always shuttin' down.
And when I need an explanation for the silence
You just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear
We're at a crossroads here...


If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone


With you I've always been wide open like a window or an ocean.
There is nothing I've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin'
I start thinkin' that we're lookin' we're lookin' at goodbye.
How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...


If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done

Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.
Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then I guess we're done let's not drag this on.

Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.

Thanks Reba!!!!

The Black Veil Of Depression

It has been quite obvious to me that I have battled with depression for a number of years. Back in the 90's I was on medication to help with it but since then I have tried to better manage my moods on my own. At times I have been more successful with this than at other points in my life. Right now I can recognize that I am struggling some again. I had thought that once things started to turn around in my life (i.e. job, vehicle, apt) I would begin to feel better. I know the conversation that occurred on Christmas is the driving force behind my current mood, but I need to do something to shake it. On Monday, I sat at my desk and cried for a bit before lunch. After lunchtime the same thing occurred. Once back home I cried a lot and just couldn't get out of bed. Now it is Tuesday morning, I am sitting at home in front of my computer wondering how I ended up in this place and what I need to do to make it through. Much of my life is going well and I am very thankful and grateful for all that I have, but the part that is not going well is so emotionally painful that it really feels to outweigh all the good. Maybe this happens to everyone; maybe I am just weaker than I thought? I know I will be happy again, I just thought I was closer to it than I actually am!

A Way To Boost My Mood

New Year's Eve is one of my three favorite holidays. That being said, I have no plans as of yet and that makes me a bit sad. For the past 11 years I have done something special on this day and this year, I will be alone and am afraid that the loss I have experienced as of late will smack me in the face. So to try and not dwell on that, I have made plans with a friend to go to the Chicagoland area toward the end of January for lots of eating, a comedy club and some shopping. It won't be the same thing, but it does give me something to look forward to.

In other exciting news, I am on my way to having health insurance. I spent over 1.5 hours on the phone today and may have it all worked out. This makes me happy, not that I go to the doctor often or even really get sick too regularly, but it is nice to know if I do I will have at least some coverage.

How Was Your Holiday?

This is a question that many people ask and get asked at this time of the year. But how many people really care about how someone else's holiday was? My experience is that people would much rather share about their own holiday experience and care much less about how someone else's was. Now, of course this isn't always the case; I mean, I am sure some people genuinely care about how someone else spent their holiday, but I believe those people are far and few between.

That being said, so no one has to ask me and wonder if I think they are the one's who genuinely care or are just asking to ask, here is my holiday. On Christmas Eve I spent the day with Chris cleaning the house. We worked literally the entire day getting everything cleaned and organized. On Friday morning, Christmas Day, we finished the cleaning and then I began to get the food and appetizers together, as we decided to have family over here for Christmas this year. Everything was going quite well. All the food turned out and was ready at the same time, people were in good spirits and really seemed to be excited for the get together. Right as my family arrived, I received a phone call. This phone call was from someone wanting to wish me a Merry Christmas and to let me know that though they still want to be with me in the future, but that they have no desire to be with me right now. They have no desire to work on the relationship and don't want to deal with me or the relationship in any way, shape or form at this time or in the near future. After this phone call, I broke down for a bit and then pulled it together and went on with the family holiday. The rest of the day went quite well, filled with yummy food, fun games and plenty of gifts. I received gifts to help me set up my new place and am ready to have a place to call home. I couldn't help but think about the phone call and what this means, but for the most part was able to put it aside for the time being, in order for me to have a pleasant day and to address the implications of the phone call later, which ended up being on Saturday.

So, I guess on Christmas I found out I am single, had a nice time with family and received gifts to help me feel settled in my apartment. So, how was your holiday?

The Holiday Gloomies

Sometimes life doesn't go how we think it should or what we feel we deserve. And right now, I feel that way. In many ways, I have a wonderful life and I am so thankful for all that I have. And at the same time I can't help but feel a bit sad. This is my first Christmas not with Carsten since we met in 2002 and it feels weird. I guess the heart wants what it wants, even if it doesn't want us back.

In other news, my new apartment will not be ready on January 1st as expected and thus I have to wait until at least February 1st to get into it. Living with Chris is great and I am very happy to be here with him, but I also know I need my own space and a place to call home. I recognize I just need to be a bit more patient, but after living in limbo for what feels like an eternity I just need my own sanctuary.

On the plus side, my furniture arrived today and so whenever I do move into my place at least I will have stuff to put in it :)

A Very Productive Day

Before I get to my Tuesday, let me add to my Monday that I ordered some furniture for my new apartment. Being delivered as I type this is a new coffee table, two end tables, two night stands and a floor lamp. I am very excited to see how it all looks together in my brand-spanking new pad!!!

Now, for today. I woke up early, got ready and headed to the DMV by 7:45am when they opened. I needed a Wisconsin driver's license for work and insurance purposes, so I wanted it taken care of ASAP. It was all going smoothly until the computers there crashed. Such is life. So, I went to work and had a productive morning getting stuff done, which felt really good. I then took a break and went back to the DMV and it all went without a hitch. Back to work and had a really good afternoon, getting much accomplished. After work I went and bought my new couch that I picked out several weeks ago. Then I came home, made dinner and cleaned the kitchen, followed by getting the trash together. Lame, but it has to be done :) Then off to shop with my mom to get some stuff for my new apartment. I bought some new pillows (they are amazing!!!) and a super soft blanket to go on the couch. Now I am back home and ready for bed.

Mr. Sandman Does Not Like Me

I tried to be a good boy last night and go to bed at 11:30pm last night since I knew I would have a long day of travelling for work today. However, my brain wouldn't shut down. Thus, at 3:45am I was still laying in bed wide awake. I did however finally fall asleep only to have yet another nightmare. It's funny, I don't remember the last time I had a pleasant dream; they all seem to be violent and aggressive. In my dream last night I was raped by two different people; one while in line for coffee and one while walking up a staircase. I woke up feeling pretty dirty and gross, only to roll over and look at the alarm clock to see it never went off and that I over slept by nearly one hour!! However, since I get my bag and clothes together the night before it wasn't the end of the world. This is when being anal-retentive pays off :)

In other news, it looks like I will in fact be able to move into my apartment on 1.1.10 and tomorrow I am going to pay for my new couch. I am also hoping to be able to get a new driver's license tomorrow as well. It looks like tomorrow is another busy day!!

The Packer's lost by 1

Today was a low-key day, as every Sunday should be in my opinion. I woke up early, we ate breakfast and headed off to Wal-Mart to return some things. We went to Menard's and were home before 11am. Though I was ready for a nap, I endured the day by watching the movie Nacho Libre. I love that movie and forgot how funny it is. After the movie I finally took a bath. It had been since Friday morning and let's just say I was a bit ripe! After that we headed off to a bar to watch the Packer's game. A good game, though in the end they lost by a point. Then we headed over to my mom's place and hung out there for a bit before coming home to eat dinner. And yes, I watched yet another movie. This time it was the film Next, starring Nicholas Cage. I don't care for him as an actor, but the movie was decent enough. Then I cleaned the kitchen a bit and wrapped some gifts. Now I am off to bed, as I have a lot of driving to do for work tomorrow.

Gin is no longer my friend :(

On Friday night I went to my friend Kris' place for dinner with her family. I had some gin before dinner, a little with dinner and then a couple after dinner. All in all a really enjoyable time. However, at some point the gin decided to kick into high gear and knocked me on my butt. So much so that this morning I had to keep running into the bathroom to get sick. Ugh, my abs still hurt from the vomiting. On the upside, no need to do sit-ups today!!!!

Other than getting sick, I had a pretty enjoyable day. I met my dad for a late lunch hen hung out at home and relaxed for a bit and then we went grocery shopping to get our food for Christmas day. I also bought some movies, since they are so cheap up here to buy...actually, it is cheaper to buy some of the movies than rent them they are that inexpensive. So tonight we watched one of the movies, Margot at the Wedding. Now, the packaging said it was funny and filled with laughs. Um, it is a depressing look at family and relationships and how crazy some people are. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the film a lot, it is a very interesting portrait into the lives of other people, but wow was it a heavy film.

My new favorite show

Since returning back to the US in September, I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with my family. Luckily I know my family loves me, even if how they show it isn't exactly what I would hope for. But that being said, I wouldn't trade them for anything. Family always has been and always will be important to me. That being said, my new favorite show on TV is Modern Family. I laughed out loud several times and could see elements of myself and my own family in the family on the show. So, if you haven't seen this gem yet, just go to abc.com and watch full episodes for free!!!

Oh, and if you are wondering how I saw this show when I don't have a TV, I went to see my friends Nina and Tyler with their new bundle of joy, Bennett, and they had the whole series DVRd. See, I don't even need a TV I can just go to their place whenever I want to see something :)

I'm Already A Slacker

So, I have had the blog only three days and already I can't keep up. As my brother says, welcome to the real world were time on the computer is more limited. Anyway, things are going well. On Wednesday I went over to my grandma's to help her with some Christmas decorations. Of course the TV was going quite loud and the show she was watching was the finale of So You Think You Can Dance. Clearly the most gay television on the air right now. At any rate, those dancers can move and maybe I am just a bit jealous I don't have a body like the guys on that show. Of course I ate two brats for dinner so clearly I am also not working too hard to have a body like that :)

Today was a rather good day. I had coffee with a friend this morning, worked, met my mom for lunch and then had to travel some for work, so the day went by rather quickly. After work my department had a small holiday gathering that I went to and was quite proud as I only drank two Pepsi's. Look at me being all responsible!!!

Tonight I watched the movie The Hangover. Everyone who has seen it has told me I would love the movie and in fact I laughed out loud several times. It is not a movie for everyone, but still a fun flick to watch at the end of a long day.

And now my friends, I am off to bed. Tomorrow is another day of travel and then after work I am going over to a friend's home for dinner.

A New Beginning

Today begins my new blog. I have started to rebuild my life and feel as though I am finally in a place where I am ready to share again with those around me. I still have work to do and a ways to go in terms of feeling completely settled with where my life is at the moment, but at least I have hope again for my future and believe in my heart I will make it through a stronger and even better (yeah, I'm going there with this first blog entry) than before.

So, I hope you enjoy this new blog and as always, I welcome feedback and suggestions as to what would make it more enjoyable for you the reader.

Let's move forward together with this life.